Spaghettio Espionage

Making Two Girls One Cup look like one of those shitty Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen movies since 1999

Kenhedy’s first post (Kind of)


  This is part of a conversation on Facebook between Kenhedy and I. He has no idea that I’m copying and pasting his words, but they are brilliant. And they must be heard 


    Our entire nation, the entire world, has one objective.  Get a job, waste your entire life working at this job, retire when you’re like 60, barely have enough retirement money to survive, die when you’re 75-80 having accomplished nothing.  I’ve been watching CNBC like crazy, and it’s insane how much of a business these companies make the “human condition” into.

   The majority of US citizens are sheep.  They have this fucked up idea that the companies they buy from, the government that runs them, and the religion that guides them, are doing all of these things because they care for them.  Are you fucking kidding me?  The only time anyone in the government does anything remotely close to “benefiting the people” is during election times.  Churches still fucking pass around that basket asking for money knowing that the unemployment rate is through the roof, and the businesses?  Ha!  The first rule, basically law, of business is that if it doesn’t turn a profit, it’s not worth doing.  The “American dream” keeps people quiet and busy while anyone outside of it sees the big picture and can slaughter the herd.

  Let’s take down the fucking system!  In 4-5 years’ time, and with some major ass kissing, and a lot of lying, we could seriously work our way into the political system.  I mean that’s how everyone else does it right?  Then once we’re there, we just have to convince everyone that we know what we’re doing.  After we’re in, we tear apart the motherfucker.  Get people to open their eyes, fight back, and wake the fuck up.  Change the system completely.  Debates, elections, congress, daily life, business, everything would change if we could just get people to realize what’s going on.

Fuck work.  Fuck society.  Kill people, burn shit, fuck school…

(Slightly edited for grammar.)

   This man is not wrong.  About anything. One has to be 35 before they can run for president, but fuck it.  KCD 2016.  Let’s make this shit happen.

The Only Prescription is More Eye-Patches

   Fucking Valentine’s day. I shouldn’t have to say more, but it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything.  Valentine’s day sucks worse than anything this side of Cambodia.  If you’re single, you get to remind yourself of that fact for an entire day, nearly nonstop.  And if you forget, the rest of the human race will be sure to let you know.  It’s a made-up fact that 73% of all suicides happen on Valentine’s Day.   

   The only thing worse than being single on VD is being in a relationship on VD.  Being in a relationship sucks no matter what, but on VD you’re expected to put forth effort and pretend that your significant other isn’t just someone who makes your genitals eject fluids.   Flowers, chocolates, dinner, presents, movies, foreplay. That slightly better than licking urinals at a bus station.

I like my VD night much better.  Drink beer.  Eat stuff.  Masturbate.  Cry while watching Lethal Weapon.  Masturbate while watching Lethal Weapon 2.  Sleep.  Wake up and masturbate while crying and watching Sleepless in Seattle    (for the record, Danny Glover should have replaced Tom Hanks). Sleep through the night.

Oh, what’s that? My night sounds pathetic? Really? Because pouring cheap wine down someone’s throat in hopes of getting your junk touched sounds sounds so fucking awesome.  I vote that Valentine’s day be held for exactly three hours.  From seven to ten.  In the morning.  That way the rest of the day just fucking moves on.  Also, fuck Maroon 5.

Burning Pants of Freedom


        The Western Black Rhino is extinct.  It was made official earlier this week.  You know what creature is not extinct? Fred Phelps and his cunt family.  The westboro baptist church can only be described as one vile, disgusting creature, which feeds on the pain and suffering of innocent people.  They’re without a doubt the worst kind of evil present in our society.  How can you call yourself a follower of Christ, and then in the same sentence say “God hates fags”?  I’m not exactly a god fearing christian, in fact I fear pelicans and Julia Roberts more than I fear make-believe characters.  But I have read some of his novel.  I’m pretty sure Jesus wasn’t too hip on hating people.  He said love thy neighbor, not “love thy neighbor, unless he’s a dick cannibal”.  These assholes make the KKK look tame.  They believe that it is the government’s job to kill gay people, and until then, God will continue to curse our country and kill our “fag” soldiers over-seas.  …..the fuck?

    I can’t possibly fathom the kind of mental illness it takes to believe that kind of verbal rape.  The worst part is these people have children, and they’re brain-washing them to hate.  That should be illegal, endangering a child like this. How can you pretend to be a parent and then drag your kids to a funeral and scream at mourning families?  These people are fucking lucky they get to live in a country that allows them to say whatever they want. The thing is, they hate our country.  They hate everything about us.  They hate the freedoms that our citizens enjoy; the very freedoms that allow those cunts to infringe upon our rights.  A family should have a right to bury one of their own.  They shouldn’t have to come to a cemetery, already feeling the worst kind of emotional pain, and then have to deal with screaming hate mongers call their son/daughter/father/mother/brother/sister a fag.  

   These people hate how we live.  So I say we relocate them to North Korea.  There, they can scream in public about how Kim Jong-Il  is a false god, and that the people are fags for worshiping them.  I hope there’s a video that gets leaked showing the entire church being eaten by ravenous Koreans.  I wish we could be there to see them realize that if there is a God, they got his message wrong.


There’s a Pink Pony on my Desk


This is a list of people who I am glad are dead.  It’s a work in progress, as there are still a lot of people who aren’t dead yet.

    Adolf Hitler- He did something awful…I just don’t remember what.  Something about moustaches…

   Ronald Reagan- He killed all those jews.

   Jesus- I’m glad he died…for my sins.  Also, I heard he was a rapist.

   King Kong- His propensity for violence toward blonde white women is pretty awesome; but he failed to kill Adrien Brody.  That’s unforgivable.

   Guitar Hero- Wow.  You’re the best guitar hero player EVER! That’ll totally get you laid.

   Michael Jackson- I’m just glad he’s out of his own misery.  And I’m about 89% certain he was carrying the zombie virus.

   Eleanor Roosevelt-  She gave birth to Sarah Jessica Parker, didn’t she?

   Steve Jobs-  I’m always glad when someone with more money than me kicks the bucket.  In other words, I’m happy about 97% of all deaths.

   Rhea Perlman-  Ok, I’m not sure if she’s actually dead.  But her career is.  Praise Allah for that.

   Christopher Columbus- Sure he destroyed the lives of Native Americans in our country, and he stole the glory from the Vikings, etc.  But what really pisses me off about that cunt is he got three boats.  And I have none.

   Osama Bin Laden-  Great.  Now I can’t bring hand sanitizer on airplanes.  What am I supposed to masturbate with?

   Vince Lombardi- He invented child pornography.

   Joseph Smith-  Hey, Mormons.  He wasn’t a prophet… He was on drugs.

   The Sadistic Bastard who invented Candy Corn- It’s just so fucking gross

                           ******To be Continued******


Baseball and Beastiality


        Knock Knock.  “Who’s there?”  BANG! It’s a fucking shotgun through your door.  Now that I have your attention, I want to start by saying two words: Fuck squirrels.  I’m a life-long Cub fan, so depression is just one of the aleles in my DNA.  But so is bitterness.  So when I see this horse shit that’s happening with the Cardinals, I want to kickstart the next genocide.  Honestly, as much as I hate the Cardinals as an entity, I hate the fans even more.  Cub fans have a mentality similar to Edgar Allen Poe, while Cardinal fans are a spoiled 16 year old girl who throws a fucking tantrum when she gets the Lexus in red; not pink like she wanted. 

    I swear, you pricks are never happy, even though your team has rewarded you more often than a blowjob happy girlfriend.  When the Cardinals looked all but out of the race in August, I enjoyed nothing more than listening to St. Louis sports radio and hearing the utter dejection in everyone’s voices. Sure, the Cubs were out of it seemingly by mid April, but like they say: Misery loves company.  I listened to fans bitch about Pujols having such an “awful” season (.299, 37 hr, 99 rbi).  Fuck you! The Cubs’ 136 million dollar man, Alfonso Soriano, hit .244, struck out more often than a drunk guy at a lesbian bar, and played outfield almost as well as Terri Schiavo could.  And now, these asshole Cardinals are one game away from the World Series.  You cunts don’t deserve this.  You’re the biggest bunch of cry-baby fair weather fans in baseball. Yet, your team keeps on showing you love.

    The Cubs get a goat, a black cat, and Steve fucking Bartman.  You cock mongols get a squirrel! I used to avoid squirrels with my car, but now I Grand Theft Auto those bitches.  Bonus points if the fucker’s pregnant.  It’s not right for the baseball gods to keep torturing my people like this, and to constantly reward douchebags.  It’s gotten to the point where I not only expect the Cardinals to win the NLCS, but also win the series.  And when it happens I’m going to find Stan Musial, piss on his leg, and fart in his oatmeal.  He will be forced to eat shit particles; that way the greatest Cardinal of all time will know what it is to feel like a Cub fan.